It was as I was exiting university, on the cusp of what people call "real adulthood", that I realized it wasn't the impending existentialism of what I was going to do now that my four-year summer camp called undergrad was ending, it was how am I going to see my friends if all of us are moving across the country to pursue our own lives?
When growing up actually means growing apart
What most people don't tell you about about "growing up" is that our society is designed for us to grow apart from community and pursue the kind of "adult" lives that hold individualism at the center. And it's these structures, rooted in capitalism, that are creating what's being coined, "The Loneliness Epidemic."
Why is it that university is built around values of community collectivism and life after college is so...not that? For those of us that opt to get an undergraduate degree and move to a 3-4 year university, we experience a lifestyle whose very design is built around staying in community, finding groups of people you resonate with, and adapting the values of that group. "Finding your tribe," if you will.
Enter, the "Loneliness Epidemic."
But what many of us are experiencing during this "Loneliness Epidemic," a phenomenon that has been talked about by numerous publications over the past few years, including Forbes and Vox to name just a couple, is that in the absence of interconnectedness to community, we're suffering silently.
Documentarian and environmentalist, Alice Aedy highlights this topic well in her short-film, "Disconnected," which details the ways in which the artificiality of human connection with social media has left populations of young people, specifically in the United Kingdom, lonelier than ever.
Social media can't satisfy authentic connection
I can attest that through the small lens of my smartphone, it has often appeared that I'm constantly connecting and interacting with people through online platforms, but what I've often felt in some of my most active days on Instagram is an insatiable feeling for authentic connection that simply cannot be met through a phone screen.
Since moving to Barcelona, Spain I've had moments in my life where this loneliness has reached far deeper than I've ever experienced before. Moving across the world, starting a new job, and rediscovering my interests outside of the heavy drinking and partying culture that becomes a weekend, and even multiple-times-a-week, staple has led me to social media seeking what I never struggled to find in my 12+ years of public schooling. Friendship.
And whereas, at first, my methods were to maintain a heightened social media presence, make myself seen in order to give others something to comment on and interact with. I quickly realized that the community feeling and authentic friendships I was seeking could only be satisfied in person.
Breaking my silent struggle
It's for this reason I had to break my own silent struggle and make one of those cringe-worthy Facebook posts that goes something like, "Hi my name is ____ and I'm looking for friends who like ___, ___, and ___." I'm happy to say that 6 months after posting on the Girl Gone International Facebook group, I've started to meet more people I truly align with and my friendship circle is growing.
I'm the kind of person who has never felt shame around admitting how I truly feel. My friends, family, and partner can attest to this. If I'm upset, you'll know it. If I'm happy, you'll feel it. And if I'm lonely, well I'll write a blog post about it. But what about the thousands, if not millions people that aren't comfortable admitting that they're lonely or that they need a friend?
Yes, there's Facebook groups and Bumble BFF whose sole purpose is designed to create more connection amongst its users. But let's be honest. Many of us go through a lot of inner turmoil before we break down and use online platforms for something that used to come so naturally!
If you remember three things...
But if you're reading this, here are three main things I hope you get from this blog. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't suck at making friends, and your paralyzing social anxiety is probably shared by half of the people that take up the rooms you find yourself in. That's all one take away just so you know.
Number two is that we have to adapt to a changing social landscape. I miss the days where you could walk out your door and fall in step with the besties that lived on your block, go ride your bikes off into the sunset, and play in some dirty creek water, but that was before smartphones were stickier than Elmer´s Glue and all the Play-Doh combined. Now it's up to us to intentionally build our friendship groups, maintain our relationships, and lean into our communities on the days we're really going through it.
You will find your people
And the final thing that I hope you take away from this is that you will find your people again. And this doesn't have to mean losing track of the friendships you've already built that remain close to your heart. It just means that, if you ever doubt for a second in your own ability to find friendships that make you feel at home, you will. There are friends who will become family wherever you go. Communities that will hold you in all of your authenticity wherever you're looking to find them. But the first thing you have to do, is admit that you're lonely.
p.s. I do recommend posting in Facebook groups. It worked for me anyway. :p
